Myths about adoption

a boy

No children – no problem:  From ancient times, orphans were one of the most unprotected layers of the population.  Many years passed, the human race developed, gained new knowledge and technology, mode rnized, but the problem of orphans did not become less.  True, the reasons for children becoming orphans changed quickly; if earlier the number of orphans increased after an epidemic, famine or war, now in our civilized and well-to-do world, this problem took on a chronic character.  It is as if orphans exist and yet they do not.  Rarely if ever, we see a program on this theme or read an article in the newspaper  —  we sigh with pity and think, “those poor children….”  —  but in a few seconds we forget, again given over to our daily cares and trivialities.  For us, who live normal lives, those children do not exist; they are somewhere out there,  but far away, which means to us they do not exist – and besides, we have plenty of our own problems.  But they do exist, they are nearby, they are unhealthy and alone; they were abandoned and betrayed, but we act as if they do not exist.  Oh well, the government will take care of them.

An orphanage is the only answer for them:  This position was and is convenient for us in order to relieve ourselves of the responsibility and rid ourselves of this problem.  Certainly, none of us is to blame that the parents of these children drink, live a loose lifestyle and do not care about the future of their children.  The government takes the child from such parents – now let the government grow and train them – we even pay taxes for this.  It all seems so right, so reasonable and sensible, but really – we would not ignore a child drowning or burning in a fire or hanging from a cliff.  Of course, the orphanage is not a death camp; the child will be fed, clothed, go to school, but he will miss out on love and protection that only a family can give.  Any child from the children’s home would be ready to suffer hardships, cold – and even hunger  –   if only Mama could be nearby.  To this same end, life in a prison leaves its imprint.  The child grows, seeing that everything happens as if by itself: bed sheets become clean, potatoes are fried, the tea is sweet.  He not only does not work himself, but he sees that daily tasks (which are an integral part of the life of a family) take care of themselves.  As a result, when they get out of the children’s home, such children find themselves in a strange, hostile world, where they do not know how to conduct themselves, how to live, and help does not come from anywhere.  No one will give them a roll with butter or put some money into their pockets – what was given to them when they left probably got used up quickly – now they either swim or drown…  Of course, the government institution will help these children get educated, give them stipends, and provide a place to live, but it does not make them normal domesticated children, who are loved, cherished, cared and provided for.  Today’s orphans are either a victim of domestic violence or children who do not know their parents.  They cannot picture a positive model family.  Therefore, the majority of children from a children’s home are incapable of forming their own family and raise their own children – who often find themselves in a children’s home and repeat the destiny of their parents.  According to psychological research, the graduates of children’s homes stand out for their emotional coldness, indifference, inability to both rejoice and be sad, make themselves the victim of any situation (I am miserable, everyone owes me, I can do what I want…)  Today one of the most popular ideas of humanitarian aid is buying groceries, clothes, and things for daily life for children’s homes.  This kind of aid with the right control is necessary and useful, but unfortunately, it does not save children in their poor condition.  More than anything else, children need their own house and family; by buying fruits and vitamins, you are doing a good deed by not being indifferent, but know that an orange or banana does not give a child warmth and love, and new pants do not deliver him from loneliness and the feeling of no one in this world needing him.  So do not immediately reject the opportunity to give a child a family.  Of course, the majority of us are not ready for such a responsibility, but do not close your eyes, ears, heart; at least think about it and maybe such a step will seem to you not too impossible.  Especially,  since there are several arrangements for helping orphans: foster care, family training groups, and adoption.

Genes cannot be squeezed out? Actually, very few of the medical cards for children from a children’s home say “pretty much healthy”.  In the far majority of children, there was social-pedagogical neglect, lack of speech development, high agitation, aggression, inability to have contact with others; often there are various psychological disorders.  And all of that seems to be just genes – as the parents, so the children.  This is a very convenient explanation; it allows us to not really think and to just stay on the sidelines – as if to say, “well, what can we do? They were born that way”.  But behind these symptoms is a hell that they lived through and still live in.  And if a person with confidence, who says “what can we say – it’s the genes”, could only imagine a situation where his whole family, acquaintances and friends would turn from him and he was put in prison – and people going by with their noses in the air would make that comment about him – he would keep himself from such comments.  The child who falls into the orphanage institution drinks a full cup of suffering that is more than a grown person could handle.  That is complete loneliness and isolation, a condition of instability, loss of family – no matter what kind of family it was.
When a 7-year-old child constantly sucks his thumb or sits on the floor and rocks side to side, not reacting to your voice, it looks scary.  But truly awful is that behind him are a thousand lonely nights, when he had to comfort himself.  A chubby one-year-old in the hospital wails, not at the moment when he gets a shot from the nurse, but when she gets ready to leave the room.  What is so horrible is that those who did not figure out how to overcome fear, alarm and loneliness, simply did not survive.  When we lose a close person, house, work or go through a personal tragedy – when we end up in a stressful situation – those who are around us at that moment sympathize with our sorrow and give us their understanding and warmth.  Why would we look at a child – who has suffered through trials, not understanding why his world is crumbling and not knowing what will be further – we would immediately consider him abnormal and ruined by a bad type of genes?
Health disorders and bad behavior in children from children’s homes are normal reactions to abnormal circumstances, a way to survive that the child learned himself – genes are not a factor.  When a child gets into a normal family, as soon as he understands that he is loved, needed and that his world is solid and stable, he quickly begins to make up for lost time.  The chronic sicknesses end; the bad behavior and reactions disappear; the child grows and develops; two-three years in a loving family does wonders.  From a sickly thistle comes a beautiful flower.

No matter how much you feed a wolf… This well-known Russian proverb is often an intimidating factor for people who are thinking
about adoption.  No matter how much you invest into a child or love or train, when he grows up – he will be like his biological parents.  Again the genes are at fault for everything.  As if – if the father is an alcoholic and the mother is a prostitute, the child will become like them.  But if a child is born into the family of a professor, neither of these social ills will threaten him, no matter how he is brought up.    Of course, genetic qualities in a person exist and influence the development of a personality but we should not think of them as determining the future person.  Not everyone who had parents that drank became alcoholics and not all who had scientists for parents became professors.  Psychological research has long established that a person with a bad heredity but a good environment for development – that person becomes a harmonious and developed personality with the same probability that one with a good heredity but bad environment becomes anti-social and immoral.
Heredity is a factor that must not be forgotten when adopting but not to justify the minuses of the child, their weaknesses or sins – but rather to identify on time any wrong situation and anticipate it – in order to treat with great attention and love this little person, that you yourself gave a chance to have a happy childhood and worthy future.

People take a child from the children’s home because they do not have any of their own.  That is, an adoptive child is the last chance to become parents.  This setting often becomes traumatic for such a family.  It is difficult for the spouse, who has not been able to have children, and the adopted child becomes a cover for a “defect”; often he is taken not in order to become real parents, but rather in order to be like everyone else, just at least not to be childless.  From this come problems with the children and thinking in your own mind that “your own would not act like this, or an adopted child is second rate”.  Whether or not they want to, adults behave in such a way that the child actually begins to react incorrectly.
Besides, not a few families who take orphans, having also had their own children, raise them up well and love them.  It is important to know more about such families, fellowship with them and having made a decision to adopt a child – to always remember:  take a child into your family, not to solve your own problems, but rather to solve his problems.

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